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	WARNING!!!
	This article loves your mom , and your mom loves it back.

"I wouldn't touch her even if she had the cure for homosexuality"

~ Oscar Wilde on Your mom

Your Mom (born roughly twelve years before you and eleven before her mom) is a well known parent and parental figure. She's celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, calling just to "check up on you", and swallowing more semen than the Bermuda triangle, Moby Dick and the cast of High School Musical put together. Despite a certain "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipes, teach your sisters the finer points of pole dancing, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.

Early Life

Your mom in a rare moment of not being flat on her back or down on her knees.

Your mom was born to an average family that lived in an average neighborhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was decidedly interesting and unique. (Actually, no, not really, she was average. I know, I was shocked too!) Her early childhood began, like most, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, followed by 2nd grade, followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, followed by 5th grade, followed by 5th grade again, your mom not being the brightest individual. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was unexpectedly average. Following elementary school was a time in which your mom begot a further loss of intelligence, and massive weight gain. It was just after the loss of intelligence, before the weight gain, when your mom discovered that she could get boys to like her simply by having sex with them. Naturally, she utilized, and often abused this fact, since she really really liked having boys liking her. And then there was the sex, which she also liked. In fact, she really really really liked the sex. The additional really showing that she liked the boys liking her only two thirds as much as she liked the sex. She really liked that sex!

Little did your mom know colossal amounts of promiscuous, unprotected sex do have consequences. After her sixth through eighth grade years in middle school your mom had already acquired 17 different STDs, including three that were previously unknown. At the end of her eighth grade year your mom, broke from the free clinic fees, noticed an alarming lack of menstruation in her usually opulent cycles. It's unlucky for you she couldn't afford birth control or an abortion. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become your mom. As her pride and joy you've already helped her earn more money from welfare, food stamps and other social programs.

Years as Your mom.

Shown here: An instrumental figure in the life of your mom, Your Dad, the one who  knocked her up. Since she took all of his money, his luck only declined as his family was kidnapped by ninjas. Poor guy...

Little did your mom know, this was one accidental pregnancy that could not be solved with a simple abortion. For whatever reason, your mom had developed an affinity for this baby-shaped lump of dead-weight that had accidentally wound up in her uterus. She naturally had to tell her parents about this, and hoped against hope that they would understand her need to be so unchaste. The right moment to tell them finally arose, and seemed that your mom was blessed with a holy gift of articulation. She chose her words carefully, words like love, and fate. Her parents' reply echoes through the sands of time to this day: "You better find the horny sonuva bitch that knocked you up and marry him, girl, or we'll disown you!" You came into this world to a depressingly husband-less and parent-less mom, who now worked numerous shifts at Burger King to support the strain on her budget. The fast food was what she lived off at this point in her life; she received a handful of employee discounts which made BK food affordable. This, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for everyone else.

Little did your mom know, this was one accidental pregnancy that could not be solved with a simple abortion. For whatever reason, your mom had developed an affinity for this baby-shaped lump of dead-weight that had accidentally wound up in her uterus. She naturally had to tell her parents about this, and hoped against hope that they would understand her need to be so unchaste. The right moment to tell them finally arose, and seemed that your mom was blessed with a holy gift of articulation. She chose her words carefully, words like love, and fate. Her parents' reply echoes through the sands of time to this day: "You better find the horny sonuva bitch that knocked you up and marry him, girl, or we'll disown you!"

You came into this world to a depressingly husband-less and parent-less mom, who now worked numerous shifts at Burger King to support the strain on her budget. The fast food was what she lived off at this point in her life; she received a handful of employee discounts which made BK food affordable. This, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for everyone else.

Luck struck your mom at this difficult time, however, as she found your dad when he came to the BK she worked at to order some fries. She immediately sued him for all he was worth in child support, which landed her a hefty $40 in scratcher tickets and a huffy bicycle that was missing a seat. Of course, your mom sold the huffy for $15.34. This eased the amount of time she had to spend giving hand jobs in the Burger King bathroom. Your mom has used all of this free time to watch massive amounts of mind-numbing day-time television, which significantly numbed her mind, as promised in its descriptive title. Since then, your mom has partaken in other hobbies, including biological experiments about attempting to drown marine fishes, and tests about causing trauma to winged animals, namely birds, by dropping them off of very high places. She currently lives happily in northern Virginia, and is the star of a popular reality show, called "Yo Momma".

"Your Mom Jokes"

A prime example of the slander hurled at your mom, comparing her to a bicycle. Well, Mr. Libel-tosser, how can your mom be like a bike if she has no wheels, huh?

In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanor, and administer a series of libelous, cruel jokes at her expense. The joke has many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. It should be noted that all of these jokes are, in fact, false, but most have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, dumb, whore of a mother. Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behavior. Lastly, all "your mom jokes" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man" feeling. This feeling is short lived, however, because whoever is told the joke usually feels a related but opposite effect, known as a "what the hell is this moron talking about?" reaction. This reaction typically spurs a reaction in the affected individual, causing them to say something along the lines of "What the hell are you talking about, moron?" to the joke-teller, ending their "big man" feeling. This is a very popular social technique for middle-schooler self-esteem building.

More recently, "your mom" has also been used as a reply to almost any statement. For example, if you were to say "wow, this living room is huge," I would reply with "Your mom is huge." Used in this way, a your mom joke does not necessarily have to make sense "your mom doesn't make sense." This is a good way to change subjects or liven a dull converstion "Your mom is a dull conversation." Be careful though, because replying to anything somebody says with a your mom joke can become a negative habit "your mom became my negative habit last night." Especially be careful when in a workplace as your coworkers may not like it if you do this all day long "I do your mom all day long."

Your mom can also be used as an answer to a question. Here are a few examples...

"How much does this cost"... "a lot more than your mom charged last night."

"What do you want to eat tonight"..."your mom."

"Are you doing anything this weekend...(you get the picture).

Legacy

To this day, your mom is still mistaken for Charlton Heston due to her grizzled, mannish visage. In the end, your mom has survived through much hardship, eaten many Twinkies, and enjoyed the company of many men, women, undecided, four legged animals and inanimate objects. And, through it all, she managed to give birth to and raise you, and you didn't turn out that bad, right? She is a true modern-day Renaissance-Woman of sexual intercourse, in every useful interpretation of the hyphenated words. Always remember that, no matter what, you came from your mom, and without her you wouldn't exist. And as we all know, not existing is like dying, and dying sucks. Sucks like your mom! HAHAHA! Dude, your mom is a whore.

P.S. Tell her I need my pants back by Monday. Thank you very much. Being outside in my underwear is no fun.

" I'm on your Mom! ON YOUR MOM! *Snicker*"

~ Me on Your Mom

" You mom so fat, she got her own orbit!"

~ troubled African American teenager on You Mom

" I don't even have a mom."

~ Oscar Wilde

Your Mom

Order:	47th President
Vice President:	Me
Term of office:	2023 - 2070
Preceded by:	Inanimate Sponge
Succeeded by:	King Emu
Date of birth:	1900
Place of birth:	Montana
First Lady:	Your Dad
Political party:	Communist Party

Little is verifiably known about your mom. It can be determined with some veracity that she was born sometime in the 20th century, and proceeded to do dick-all with her life, during which period at some point she created you. Many have debated over just how you were conceived. Scholars have debated whether this action constitutes a departure from your mom's lifestyle of absolute worthlessness, but most agree that it does not. Most experts on the subject agree that your mom is in fact, a loose whore, and therefore the possibilities of your parentage are truly innumerible Your father adamantley denies any and all relations to you, as does your uncle.

Psychologists and uncles agree, almost unanimously, that your mom is to blame for everything that's wrong with you, and that one day you're going to be just like her. An opposing theory posited by your mom, however, points the finger rather at your father, an emotionally unavailable asshole who never provided you with a proper male role model. Your mother loved you, and still loves you, and wants you to call more often. It's not that hard to pick up a phone. Seriously, think about it. The more time you spend talking with her, the less time she'll have to share all of your humiliating stories with the neighborhood gossip (who looks suspiciously like your mom), Joe Mama. Do you want everyone to know about the time you dropped a load right in the middle of the breakfast cereal isle in Shop-rite? Didn't think so.

According to various (possibly suspect) sources your mom has accomplished much in her (according to some) extremely long life. She is credited with: Flipping the switch when God said "Let there be light", being the first American to receive a social security number, being declared a state, a country, and even a planet. She is also widely believed to have sat behind Jesus in third grade. A widely-held opionion of the masses has concluded definitivley that your mother is: Unattractive, overweight, old, stupid, lazy, poor, loose, and essentially a worthless piece of shit.

Fun facts about your mom

• Your mum enjoys black women
• Your mom is symbolized by the element Urmomium
• Your mom is still a virgin. She will probably remain a virgin unless you hire her a cabana boy.
• Your mom sells her crack for crack.
• Your mom is the Uncyclopedia:Community Portal -- everyone gets a chance to enter.
• Your mom was exceedingly popular during a brief period in the 1980s, but then again, what wasn't?
• Using 'Your Mom' as a comeback became popular again in the year 2000 thanks to bored Indiana residents who decided that the old 80s joke should be born again for this new "Generation Y.45-802.11bag version 5.1(2800)"
• Your mom got so high once at a Jimmy Buffett concert that she threw her panties at a stuffed parrot, but that doesn't mean it's okay for you and your friends to waste your lives on the devil weed.
• Your mom is so fat that hundreds of horrible jokes have been made at her expense.
• Your mom is so ugly that hundreds of other horrible jokes have been made at her expense.
• Your mom is the best comeback ever. ZING!
• Your mom would be horribly upset that you are wasting your life visiting this site.
• Your mom knows you masturbate, but loves you anyway.
• Your mom is an FBI agent.
• Your mom buys extra soft 3-ply Kleenex because she loves you anyway.
• Your mom was the 47thrd president of the United States.
• Your mom was also the 51st state.
• Your mom was subsequently made the 52nd through 78th states, because she was so fat.
• Your mom knows all about the monsters in your closet.
• Your mom owes me money, you douche!
• Your mom has apparently had sex with everyone you have ever argued with.
• Your mom is a creature from outer space.
• Your mom fought JFK in one of the greatest movie epics of all time.
• Your mom went to college.
• Your mom once tried Satanism, but didn't really like it.
• Your mom went to prom with Merv the Perv.
• Your mom is the mascot for the University of Arizona.
• Your mom is my mom. Am I confusing you?
• Your mom is so white, she makes the Pillsbury Doughboy look Mexican.
• Your mom is a sleeper hit.
• Your mom is like a bowling ball, she gets fingered, tossed in the gutter, yet still comes back for more.
• Your mom is actually spelt your mum in the UK, until the Americans ruined how she talks.

Things you really, really don't want to know about your mom

• Your Mom has a huge crush on Barry Manilow, and has been mailing him her diary entries weekly for over two decades, doodle-hearts and all.
• Your Mom only lets your friends over for sleep-overs because she gets a little action with them while you sleep.
• Your Mom secretly likes the smell of her own flatus. Now you know where you get it from.
• Your Mom bucked like Bambi in a forest fire while I was riding her last night. I had to grab her love handles with both hands to stay on. No wonder she demanded I tie her to the hood of the SUV before we started.
• Your Mom knows the exact come-on line which lead to your conception. ("Hey bitch, wanna earn a twinkie?")
• Your Mom is really a homeless man living in iRaq, Terror. The Government does not want you to know this, so they handed you over to some fat bitch.
• Your Mom thought you were an exceptionally large crap.
  • Which you are.
• Your mom hates you.
• And she likes everyone, if you catch my drift.
• Your mom is actually Richard Simmons in disguise.
• The term motherfucker refers, specifically, to your mom.
  • And of course, the motherfucker himself is your daddy. Who's your daddy?
• Who as a matter of fact was the worst god-damn fuck I've ever had
• In a year's time, another term, far worse than motherfucker, will gain currency. It will be so scatologically vile that most nations will establish crimes for its usage. It too, will refer specifically to, your mom.
• Your Mom is Chief Test Engineer for the Jack Rabbit Massager Corporation.
• Your Mom wears crotchless panties. And a Peep Hole bra.
• Your Mom uses duo-balls to relieve the tedium of shopping.
• Your Mom bangs like a shit-house door in a Force 9 gale.
• Your mom is really Bill Gates.
• Your Mom is also Tubgirl.
• Your Mom likes Sp00j cola. MY Sp00j cola.
• Your Mom is the chick from Two Girls One Cup

From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Your mom (various birth dates) is the woman who gave birth to you; the person who nurtured you, changed your diapers, raised you, supported you, instilled in you a moral and ethical center; is the proud, beaming parent who loves you more than life itself; and a dick.

She would be very disappointed if she knew you were reading this.

Early life

Though, like most humans, your mom has an actual date of birth, her life did not truly begin until you, her brilliant child, passed through her birth canal and emerged from her vagina, naked and glistening with amniotic fluid. Every moment of her existence up to that point was merely prelude to your birth, and every moment since has been spent in deference to your needs and desires. Any biographical sketch of your mom would therefore most likely be more about you and your upbringing rather than about specific pre-you events in your mom's life, and really, why bother even asking, because your mom has told you, she's only the person who brought you into this world, who gave you the very gift of life, not that she expects any gratitude or anything. Your mom heaves a heavy sigh as if to say: no, everything's fine, if that's how you really feel, it's your life and she's not going to tell you how to live it, even though your mom hasn't been feeling well lately, but it's probably nothing. Oh, sure, your mom thinks it would be nice if you called, but she knows you're busy. Okay, okay, enough already, your mom, you get it.

Career

As your mom has been known to say many, many, many times, raising children is a full-time job. However, like many your moms, it is very likely that your mom had an additional vocation that did not involve changing her ungrateful offspring's poopy diapers. Because attending to your every need requires a tremendous investment of time and energy, your mom was forced to make sacrifices that involved prioritizing child rearing over dedicating herself to a career.

Because of this conflict, your mom developed a deep-seated resentment towards you that, though she would rather die before acknowledging such a sentiment, nevertheless burrowed itself firmly into your mom's psyche. Thus, those behaviors exhibited by your mom, which you interpret as her willful attempts to impose upon every aspect of your personal life, are actually just the manifestation of years of the internal turmoil that results from raising a child. The fact that these behaviors aren't necessarily malicious does not necessarily make them any less dickish, but it's some cold comfort knowing your mom is just as screwed up as you are.

Having raised you, and therefore having been present to experience every aspect of your cognitive and emotional development, your mom possesses the exquisite dick ability to push exactly those buttons that will most aggravate you. Frequently, this involves transference of guilt to you from your mom over your failure to call, visit, interact with family, earn enough money, finish school and/or obtain an advanced degree, provide grandchildren, or lead a lifestyle similar to Mrs. Weinbach's son down the block, you know, the successful doctor and such a nice boy, too.

Historical Context

In much the same way that your mom's influence on you will be passed along to your own children, your mom has been impacted by thousands of years of your mom history. Among your mom's predecessors are:

• Jocasta: mother of Oedipus and the first MILF in recorded history. The tragic story of Jocasta and her son gave rise to the psychological phenomenon of the Oedipus complex, in which a male child's mother inspires in him a strong desire to jab needles into his eyes.
• Queen Māyā of Sakya: birth mother of the Gautama Buddha, the founder of Buddhism. Though her son would be revered as the Supreme Buddha, viewed by many as an immortal, god-transcending being, she could not resist suggesting that perhaps if the Buddha lost a little weight, maybe he still wouldn't be single after all these years.
• Mary, mother of Jesus: the extraordinary circumstances surrounding the virgin birth of Jesus made Mary a major celebrity around Nazareth, making Jesus' early life fairly miserable. Imagine being that kid who's forced to be in the same class for which his mother is the teacher, except times a million.

Yo Momma

Though they share many of the same characteristics, it is important not to confuse your mom with yo momma.

Yo momma typically possesses a wide range of undesirable traits-including but not limited to: unattractiveness, obesity, low intelligence, poverty, poor bodily/oral hygiene, promiscuity, unappealing odor, hirsuteness, lackluster work ethic-and exhibits these traits to a degree that observers may find shocking or humorous. Generally, these qualities emerge via some linguistic misunderstanding or the employment of some device in a manner for which it was not originally intended, viz: due to yo momma's unhealthy corpulence, she requires the substitution of a microwave oven in place of a pager, presumably because her engorged fingers would be unable to operate the small buttons found on a typical pager (though it is unclear how exactly a microwave would serve as a viable alternative, as this appliance is in no way designed to serve a similar function) . In most cases, yo momma is either unaware of or unconcerned with how others perceive her, contributing to the scorn heaped on yo momma by those who disapprove of her lifestyle choices.

Your mom, by comparison, tends to be much more directly demonstrative of her seemingly negative traits, and may frequently even embrace her shortcomings, of which promiscuity is by far the most dominant. In fact, despite any other potentially unappealing traits, your mom's well-known licentious ways and cheerful agreeableness to try anything twice have greatly boosted her popularity within the community. In some cases, your mom goes so far as to take pride in her sexual uninhibitedness with strangers, as well as with your close friends and acquaintances, as evidenced by their extensive knowledge of what "she said," or what she "did last night."

Mother's Day

Celebrated around the globe, Mother's Day is an annual holiday honoring the world's online florists. In the United States, Mother's Day is observed on the second Sunday in May, but different countries insist on celebrating it on different days of the year because your moms will never be happy to simply leave well enough alone

The contemporary holiday of Mother's Day may have evolved from the ancient Roman celebration of Matronalia, a day dedicated to Juno, the Roman goddess of hamburger phones. The holiday was first proposed in 1870 by the social activist Julia Ward Howe, who was inspired by a British observance called "Mothering Sunday," in that twee, fancy way the British have of doing everything.

In the early 20th century community organizer Anna Jarvis founded a "memorial day for women." The first such Mother's Day was celebrated in 1908 in Grafton, West Virginia, a town where residents needed all the help they could get figuring out who was related to who and how. Woodrow Wilson declared the first national Mother's Day in 1914 as a day for Americans to display the flag in honor of mothers whose sons had died in war. Bet that makes you feel pretty good about forgetting about Mother's Day again.

Through no fault of your mom, Mother's Day has earned the reputation of the most dickish of observances, the "Hallmark holiday," a fully commercialized holiday that exists merely to sell the stale chocolates and heart-clutching teddy bears left over from Valentine's Day. In fact, just nine years after the first official Mother's Day, Anna Jarvis herself became a major opponent of what the holiday had become. Your mom does not care.

According to the National Restaurant Association, Mother's Day is now the most popular day of the year to dine out at a restaurant, where invariably your mom will be seated in a mysterious draft that nobody else can feel and insist that everybody stand up and change tables.

Motherhood: it's long, it's hard and it's extremely satisfying

That's what your mom said last night.